


Just Look At Me

by mockingpanems



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, DAN AND PHIL - Freeform, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Phan - Freeform, TATINOF, TATINOF europe, anxiety attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-09-01 19:40:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8635573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mockingpanems/pseuds/mockingpanems
Summary: Phil has always believed that life is really random. He didn’t expect the randomness of Dan having a panic attack during one of the TATINOF Europe shows, and he certainly didn’t expect to come out during one.





	

It was the end of the night, another night with a successful TATINOF performance. Dan and Phil had just finished their segment with Dil, hearing the same spiel of how Phil didn’t believe in himself and Dan was worried about if what he was doing was the right thing. Sometimes the two boys did worry about these things, but throughout the tour, it had been reassuring to see how so many people seemed to care so much for them. 

“There’s just one thing I want to do before we leave.” Phil said, and stepped into the center of the stage. The lights dimmed, and a spotlight beamed down on him. He cleared his throat, and the music for The Internet Is Here began blaring out from the speakers. He felt Dan’s reassuring presence behind him, and began to sing as the audience cheered.

[Whenever I’m alone  
Or if I’m feeling grey  
There’s one place I can go  
To brighten up my day]

He thought he heard footsteps walking away behind him, but he didn’t turn to check.

[Makes me want to sing  
That’s how the show should end  
But wouldn’t it be good if I  
Could sing it with a friend?]

The sound effect for Dan’s spotlight boomed throughout the theatre, and Phil turned to face his boyfriend.

Or what was supposed to be his boyfriend.  
Dan was nowhere to be seen.

He stood there, staring at the empty space in front of him. The music died, but Phil decided to give Dan’s cue another go.

[But wouldn’t it be good if I  
Could sing it with a friend?]

He heard the audience begin to murmur with confusion and curiosity. Most of them probably knew that this was Dan’s cue, considering the song was already out on danisnotonfire. Phil cleared his throat and waited again for Dan to magically appear on stage and sing his line.

Nothing.

Phil heard the sound of the microwave popping open, and turned towards the noise. He had hoped it was him, but it was one of the stage coordinators. “Phil. Come here a second. Dan needs you.” Oh no. What happened? Where was he? He turned to the audience and raised a finger. “One second, guys. I’m being motioned backstage. Sorry!” The audience cheered a bit of encouragement into him as Phil disappeared behind the microwave with the coordinator. 

“Where’s Dan?” 

“He’s having some sort of panic attack. I’m not sure how or why, but he came back here saying he couldn’t breathe. He ran to the dressing room.” Phil started running, and thought he heard the coordinator calling after him. “Phil, wait!” Before the coordinator could say any more, Phil was practically sprinting down to the dressing room. He knocked on their door. “Dan! It’s me. Are you still in there?” When he got no response, he opened the door anyways. 

There, sitting in the corner, with his microphone thrown on the carpet, was Phil’s boyfriend. His cheeks and eyes were pink from crying, and he sniffed at least twice by the time Phil was by his side. “I fucked up, Phil. I fucked up, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have ran off.” “Hey, it’s okay baby. It’s okay. I’m here. Look at me. Just look at me.” Phil tried to wrap Dan in a hug, but felt Dan’s hand stop his arm. “You said that with your microphone on. Now everyone’s gonna know.” 

The microphone.  
Oh shit.

He heard the audience cheer from above them, louder than they’d ever cheered before. Phil sighed and stared at the hazel eyed boy in front of him. “I’m sorry.” He placed a finger underneath Dan’s chin, and teary eyes met steady ones as they leaned in for a gentle kiss. Dan immediately melted into the kiss, and Phil could tell he was relaxing. “I love you.” Dan whispered. “I love you, too.” Phil realized that Dan had come to the same conclusion during the kiss. 

It didn’t matter.  
The hiding, the lying to the fans, the referring to each other as just friends when everyone and their mother knew that wasn’t the case. None of that mattered. They didn’t even have to say anything to each other to know that was true.

“I’m sorry I ran off.” Dan whispered. “Don’t be sorry, baby. I’ll have to admit it was a bit confusing though, as you did seem fine through the whole show.” 

“I don’t want it to end like this, Phil.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“I don’t want you to say that I’m just a friend anymore. In the song. In our videos. Everywhere.”

Phil wrapped his arms around Dan, moving beside him in the corner while Dan rested his head on Phil’s shoulder.

“What do you want to do then?”  
“I want to tell them. About us.”

Hazel met blue-green once again, and Phil stared at the shininess in his companion’s eyes. It was in this moment that both boys realized the audience was eerily silent.They had been listening to every word said. They already knew the truth.

“If that’s what you want.” Phil whispered.  
“It’s what I need.” Dan replied with a sniff, his voice still hoarse from crying.

“Gimme a kiss.” Phil whispered, and the audience erupted in cheering above them once again. They exchanged a small peck on the lips, and Phil stood up, offering his boyfriend his hand. “You ready?” 

Without saying a word, Dan took the older man’s hand and offered a small smile, his cheeks still wet with tears. Phil took his thumbs and wiped the wetness away, running his hands down Dan’s shoulders and pulling him in for a hug. “Careful, don’t hurt the mic. That’s our one way of communicating with them.” Dan took the end of Phil’s mic between his fingers. “We know you can hear us guys, it’s okay.” He said with a broken voice. Another cheer sounded from above, and Phil picked up Dan’s mic. “You want this?” Dan shook his head. He didn’t dare put his mic back on at this point in the show, or in his current mental state. “We’ll bring it just in case.” 

They walked back up to backstage, hands clasped together. The coordinator looked frazzled as they approached. “Phil, I was trying to tell you your mic was still on.” “Katie, it’s okay.” Phil replied. “We’re gonna tell them the truth.” “How?” “When we get on stage, and when we’ve talked to them, play the music for The Internet Is Here as usual. I’ll do some improvising.” Katie sighed. “Okay, Phil. If that’s what you agreed on.”

“Good luck.”

Phil opened the latch on the microwave door, and ensured Dan was ready with a nod and a soft kiss to the forehead. The younger boy offered him a weak smile. “You sure you want to do this?” Phil whispered. “It’s time” was the other’s response. “I love you, Dan Howell.” “I love you too.”

They were greeted with the fans, who were obviously relieved that Dan was okay. “Hey guys!” Phil shouted through the mic. “So sorry about that. Don’t worry, Dan’s okay. He’s just a bit frazzled, right hun? A bit of anxiety, right?” Dan nodded, and the audience erupted with screams once again. “So um…” He paused to switch off the detached mic set and put it in the prop box. “I don’t think Dan will be needing this. He’s a bit upset still, so he doesn’t really want to sing, which is okay. That’s okay, but I do need someone to help me sing The Internet Is Here until he’s ready.” Cheers sounded from the audience again. “Hmm… I wonder who could help us?” He gestured to the audience, and through more cheering, Dan grabbed the end of Phil’s mic. “I think they sound ready.” Dan’s rough and quiet voice somehow deserved an “aww” from the audience. “Let’s do it! I’ll sing my parts, and you guys only sing Dan’s parts, okay?” Phil responded, walking to the center of the stage and thinking up some improvisation to prove their relationship. The music started and he was ready.

[Whenever we’re alone  
Or if we’re feeling grey  
There’s one place we can go  
To brighten up our day.  
Makes me want to sing  
And I have my boyfriend.  
But wouldn’t it be good if we  
Could sing with all our friends?]

Phil gestured to the audience, and Dan’s response echoed throughout the theatre as they sang back to him.

[Okay fine, whatever I’ll join in too]

The boys grinned. Phil placed his hands on Dan’s shoulders. “Stay here.” He raced back behind the microwave to grab their golden jackets and hats, coming back down the stairs where Dan would normally reenter. He placed Dan’s hat on his head, and stuck his arms through the sleeves, kissing his forehead before assessing his own attire. He was still putting on his own jacket when he had to sing again.

[I might go outside  
And feel more alive  
Without Twitter, where would I be?]

Phil internally crossed his fingers that the fans would know their cue, and thankfully they did as he heard them sing Dan’s line.

[I guess I’d be fit  
I’d stop posting… rubbish!  
But Tumblr’s a part of me.]

Phil disregarded their choreography for the song, and grabbed Dan’s hands, pulling him closer to the center of the stage and moving their arms up and down. Dan grinned, but Phil could still feel the shakiness in his hands. He continued.

[So many websites and so little time  
Plus one or two  
You should avoid]

The boys smiled some more when they heard the fans improvise.

[Just don’t stop watching Youtube  
Or they’ll be unemployed]

Suddenly, their hands parted, and Dan walked over to the prop box. He carried his mic set back with him, and Phil mouthed “are you ready?” With a small nod, Dan switched the mic on, tucked the black box into his back pocket, and held up the mic piece with his fingers. Phil pulled them closer together again, with his arm resting on the younger boy’s shoulder. They lightly began to sway back and forth as he watched Dan fiddle with his mic. For now, it was still between the audience and Phil.

[The internet is here.  
The internet is great.  
When you’ve got lots of followers,  
Who needs a real mate?  
It might be antisocial  
But these days that is fine.]

His voice was still hoarse, and his throat kind of hurt now, but he couldn’t just watch Phil do this alone. Dan finally joined in.

[Cuz life is so much better when you spend it all online!]

They continued the song as normal, but they kept the dance moves simple and subtle. 

[A place where you can be yourself no matter if you’re geeky]

Dan decided to throw in some of his own improvising.

[Find boys who share your hobbies, even if they’re freaky] 

[When any question in your head is answered in an instant.]

[Who cares if you procrastinate your one shot at existence?]

The song went on as normal, even with the regular choreography until the “dance break”. The boys split on opposite ends of the stage, and with each pause in the song, they stepped closer together. Once they met on the center of the stage, Dan kissed Phil’s cheek, and Phil wrapped his arms around the other’s waist.

[Who cares if you’re a loser  
and everybody knows it.  
Or if you spend your life  
Drawing whiskers on your noses  
Even if your chances of getting tanned are slim  
Or if you live vicariously through the life  
Of a Sim.]

The microwave door opened to reveal Dil, and this time he actually stepped out and gave Dan a hug. The fans laughed, and Dan put his hand on his heart as a reaction to the cuteness while Dil hid backstage again.

[The internet is here  
The internet is great  
When you’ve got lots of followers,  
Who needs a real mate?]

Phil thought he saw tears begin to well up in Dan’s eyes again at this point. They stopped kicking their legs to nonverbally check in with each other. Phil pushed the messy fringe away from Dan’s eyes and ran his thumb across his cheek. They continued to sing as Phil pulled Dan closer to his chest in comfort.

[It might be antisocial  
But these days that is fine  
Cuz life is so much better  
Life is so much better  
Life is so much better  
When you spend it all online!]

“Ugh, that cheek kiss from earlier tasted like sweat.” Dan whispered after they bowed. Phil rolled his eyes, and as the stage lights went back on, they kissed on the lips. Once they parted, they couldn’t help but notice that practically every girl in the theatre was recording them. There was no turning back now. It was official. They thanked the audience and said goodbye, walking backstage and earning an applause from the team.

That night in their hotel, Dan was scrolling through Twitter, chuckling to himself at all the tweets he was seeing about tonight’s show.

“OHMTYGOD”  
“I CANT BELIEVE THEY FUXIN KISSED”  
“PHAN IS FUCKIBG REAL”

He turned to a freshly showered and very sleepy Phil, who opened his eyes from the sound of the sheets moving. “Hey babe?” “Hmm?” “Can we give them one last kiss for the evening?” Phil smiled. “Open your camera.” 

24,465 likes on Instagram later, the boys knew that this is exactly where they should have been all along. They’d surely have to make a video on Dan’s channel explaining everything when they got back to the UK, but for now they had each other. They were free.

That’s all that mattered.


End file.
